By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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