My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
