my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
