Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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