My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
