I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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