i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
