I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
