DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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