Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
