i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
