I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
