He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
