I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
