She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
