Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
