i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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