butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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