You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
