I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Farmville is her only friend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
