you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
