bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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