I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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