never play flip cup with pint glasses
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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