Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
