Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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