it hurts more in the daytime
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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