Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
