Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
