I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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