when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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