Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Randomize
