As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
