I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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