She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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