Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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