You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
