Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
