sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
