DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
