I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
