I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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