Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
she peed on how many people?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
