DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
