uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
