What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
