if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
