It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
