I've blown a few things in my day
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
