i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
