Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
