So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
