I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
