You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
