I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
